I made it to day two before I decided enough is enough. I didn’t articulate that, not even to myself. But when little mister walked upstairs covered in pee (I so wish that I was exaggerating. I am not. COVERED) something inside me broke a little. I did not touch the kid even once that day. I decided quietly somewhere deep inside me that love was not enough and part of me gave up. You see I had a plan. And the plan was not working….
I kept telling myself I would start tomorrow. Tomorrow would be better. But we were engaged and he.would.not.stop.pushing. I had started this thing but now all I wanted to do was let go. I was good with going through the motions. I can put a smile on my face and baby, I can work the plan but this was just too much.
Have you ever been roller skating? I remember when I learned and finally felt like I was getting really good at it. I sailed around the rink like I had wings. I was amazing. Until I wasn’t. I remember finding myself waded up in the middle of the floor, wondering how I got there.
Yep. You get where I am going with this. Once again, here I was totally wadded up. I was sailing with this whole therapeutic parenting thing. Until I wasn’t.
Music moves me in an incredible way. God designed me this way and He often sends songs my way that speak His words to me. In the midst of the mess and the chaos he sent me this:
Brave. I liked it. It was catchy. I headed to church last evening blaring it over and over. I entered worship slightly apathetic, fearing that if I gave any more I would burst into tears. My pastor got up and spoke about not turning around. Don't stop. Don't go back. Don't give up. Have Courage. Then someone else got up and spoke and my heart heard: Do we have the courage to still walk in faith even when it all goes wrong? Do I? What if the plan stops working? What if it never worked in the first place?
I am reminded of the missionary in the Congo. While she was healing after being brutally raped God spoke to her: "Can you thank me for this experience even if I never tell you why?" Can I trust Him no matter what? Can I thank Him? Can I still let the words fall out...words of love, words of healing? Can I still tell the truth?
So I stumbled a bit. I am headed back the right direction. This morning I had a wonderfully refreshing conversation with this woman. I decided that I needed a little more help and I am learning to ask for it. Right now I am a little more brave. My little guy is still screaming and the plan may not be working...but right now, this moment I have courage.