Falling….

I posted this song once already but I feel compelled to post it once more…

 

I will love you…

 

Just in case you didn’t listen here are the lyrics:

You are a house that’s broken down

You are a house that’s burning

And everything in me wants to run

but that’s not love…

If you fall I’ll fall with you

If you hurt I’ll feel it too

Even if my heart turns black and blue

I will love you

I planted seeds down in the ground

Not every one is growing

When I am tempted to give up

I choose love

Beauty and light will fight for you

Goodness will rise

It shines for you.

It’s official we are adopting!   No relatives have asked to be considered and the paperwork (at least on our end) is filled out.  The adoption worker comes tonight, we never know what tomorrow will bring but for right now, this moment we are thankful.

I share a lot of about my boys.  One day I will post their beautiful pictures and introduce them to you officially.   They make me laugh.  They make me cry.  And they have taught me more about myself than I have ever cared to know.  I am excited that they will, by God’s grace and provision be part of our family according to the law but  sometimes…they are a house that’s burning and it feels like everything is on fire; and sometimes…. everything in me wants to run but that’s not love.

This song has special meaning to me especially on the days when I see the ashes and the behaviors make it all feel too hard, the days when my heart is black and blue and the RAD screams to be heard, acknowledged …and I want to scream back or cry or run but I must take a deep breath and fall.

I am learning what love really means.  It is not partnership and it is not disposable.   There are no guarantees and there are no contracts (if you then I).  It is frightening because it requires a dependence on something other than myself and it involves risk.  Love is nonexistent outside of denial of self, yet self whithers and dies unless it receives it.  And although it can be hard to give, it is at times even harder receive….what a conundrum, a beautiful enigma!  But in the end it’s the best thing I have to offer and although it costs much; the more I give the richer I become.   Sometimes I love with words, sometimes love speaks best through touch, sometimes I love with boundaries and sometimes I fall.

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.   GK Chesterton