Friday, July 12, 2013

Broken Bread….

Waiting for bread to rise....

My sister and her children spent the week with us.    Soon the fundraising begins, the nitty gritty of details….the end of life in America.   I want to beg her to stop.   I want her here, safe, without a gazillion miles between us.   I want to watch her children grow.  I want to hold their hands.  I dread that much of who they will be will unfold for me only in pictures and email and phone calls (and that dependent on just how much access they have to the technology required to reach me here.)   I don’t, however.   I sit silent  with their decision, this heavy call.   I understand some of what it means to live a yielded life even if it tears my heart….

If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple…

We had a lot of conversations this past week.    Many words spoken, contemplating the call of God.   Her as she and her husband prepare to move her children to Africa, away from all they know and me, as I teach my children to love the hurting as we raise children of trauma (who despite all the wonderfulness that is very much a part of who there are, are grieving in very difficult and exhausting ways).  What does it mean to live beyond yourself instead of for yourself?

 Here is my body, broken for you…

I wish I could put this jumble of thoughts in some coherent string of language that made sense but I struggle.   The sacred and the mundane often bump heads and we are jumbled around in the middle trying to figure out where we fit.   But of one thing I am convinced: when Jesus called his followers to take up their cross he was not referring to a charm that dangled around a chain on our necks.   I believe with all my heart that when we refuse to lay it all down for the sake of our Savior we are not withholding some needed thing from our God, but instead  we are withholding from our own selves the very thing that leads us to true joy.  When He calls us to suffering it is not to harm us, but instead to heal us….

O Shepherd. You said you would make my feet like hinds' feet and set me upon High Places".
"Well", he answered "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds use.”
Hannah Hurnard, Hinds' Feet on High Places

Friday, June 28, 2013

Bloglovin...

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I am a bit behind on all the techie stuff but I thought I better check out bloglovin...


Monday, June 24, 2013

Courage

Today is day 6 of the stupid attachment challenge.   This challenge was a new kind of fresh hell   taught me a lot.  About myself.   Yay, I didn’t really want to know that….

I made it to day two before I decided enough is enough.  I didn’t articulate that, not even to myself.   But when little mister walked upstairs covered in pee (I so wish that I was exaggerating.   I am not.  COVERED) something inside me broke a little.  I did not touch the kid even once that day.   I decided quietly somewhere deep inside me that love was not enough and part of me gave up.  You see I had a plan.  And the plan was not working….

I kept telling myself I would start tomorrow.   Tomorrow would be better.   But we were engaged and he.would.not.stop.pushing.   I had started this thing but now all I wanted to do was let go.  I was good with going through the motions.  I can put a smile on my face and baby, I can work the plan but this was just too much.

Have you ever been roller skating?   I remember when I learned and finally felt like I was getting really good at it.  I sailed around the rink like I had wings.   I was amazing.  Until I wasn’t.   I remember finding myself waded up in the middle of the floor, wondering how I got there.
Yep.  You get where I am going with this.  Once again, here I was totally wadded up.  I was sailing with this whole therapeutic parenting thing.  Until I wasn’t.

Music moves me in an incredible way.   God designed me this way and He often sends songs my way that speak His words to me.  In the midst of the mess and the chaos he sent me this:

Brave.   I liked it.  It was catchy.  I headed to church last evening blaring it over and over.   I entered worship slightly apathetic, fearing that if I gave any more I would burst into tears.   My pastor got up and spoke about not turning around.  Don't stop.  Don't go back.  Don't give up.  Have Courage.  Then someone else got up and spoke and my heart heard:  Do we have the courage to still walk in faith even when it all goes wrong?   Do I?  What if the plan stops working?   What if it never worked in the first place?

I am reminded of the missionary in the Congo.   While she was healing after being brutally raped God spoke to her: "Can you thank me for this experience even if I never tell you why?"   Can I trust Him no matter what?   Can I thank Him?  Can I still let the words fall out...words of love, words of healing?   Can I still tell the truth?

So I stumbled a bit.   I am headed back the right direction.   This morning I had a wonderfully refreshing conversation with this woman.   I decided that I needed a little more help and I am learning to ask for it.  Right now I am a little more brave.  My little guy is still screaming and the plan may not be working...but right now, this moment I have courage.








Saturday, June 22, 2013

So, here’s the truth…


Yesterday was day 3 of the challenge.  Today is day 4.   Want to know how many hugs I got in yesterday?   Exactly one.each.   The only thing we did together was eat.  The littles spent all their time pushing, trying to find the edge.  Ladies and gentlemen, I am exhausted and by gosh, I think they’ve found it.
Part of me hesitates being this honest, this out there.  But you know what?   We are never healed by hiding.   It is not the struggle that defines you it’s what you do in response to the struggle.  On one hand you could say I am not successfully completing this challenge.  You could look at all the junk that is coming to the surface and shake your head.  You could.   I won’t.   I will see the junk as an invitation to clean the wounds a bit more…I will not beat myself up for natural, human responses, instead I will move into more grace for myself.   I will celebrate what is right and I will remedy what is wrong.
There is still some healing to be done in me so that I can move more completely in love.  Life ebbs and flows and I am more capable at one moment then another.   I will take a deep breath and just be still in the moment that is here, however it looks.  I will know that He is God and He is taking me further than I thought I would go but I will also know this: what He has begun in me, He will complete.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Attachment Challenge…Day One Down

Here is a link to the challenge in case you didn’t see yesterday’s post….

day one down.    I am sad to say this but it is much easier to hug and nurture the one and not the other.  Sigh.   The other pushes me and pushes me and pushes me.   Oh and the screaming.  Did I mention that?   Sigh.  I know in my heart I need to do this but I am ever so human.
The hugs part were easy (well, in comparison).  The doing something that they choose….not.so.easy.   Especially since the other will intentionally choose something that will irk me.   The poor guy does not know what to do with all of his hurt and anger so he projects it on me.  Sigh.  (again)   Yesterday was busy and not the best for starting this challenge because I had a day planned to myself to recharge. In the end we didn’t get everything in but still I feel goodish about it.
Today I am home all day (like usual…) and aside from a beach outing our time is not already signed for.    I have no excuse but to focus on the challenge.  (Unless we talk about the fact that the other is covered in urine again.   In the shower we go….)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Oooh..this is gonna sting a bit…

So someone suggested we do challenges specifically to help us meet the needs of our trauma kiddos.  Someone else suggested this:
(drum roll please)
Christine Moer’s Attachment Challenge
So some brave souls are doing it.   Start today, start tomorrow.  Just start and blog about it.   Let us know we are not alone.   Let us know that you are human too.   Let us know just exactly how you rocked this!
Today is day one for me.   I will check in tomorrow and let you know how it goes.  I will be focusing on the challenge through next Tuesday.  

Also if you are no already reading Christine’s blog…do it.  Watch her videos too.   Really, it will help. 

***Important note: please don’t exclude yourself from the children just because you haven’t adopted/fostered/worked with trauma/whatever.   This is a good challenge to do with any children.   Now go rock it mamma!

Are you working through the attachment challenge?   Link it up here baby.   I can just feel the mojo...


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Friday, June 14, 2013

What Trouble are Giants…

The screaming continues.   Some days I am really okay with it.  Today, I am pretty sick of it.  Today I want to throw therapeutic parenting out the window and I.want.to…..SCREAM back.  I want to forget all I know about trauma and love and God and I want to think only about me.   The truth is sometimes I want to lose heart.

I whisked the non screaming children outside to breathe the air and the grass.   A moment to step back and reflect.  Remember.   A moment to reset.  Intention.   We sat in a circle each of us for a moment of peace and affirmation.   We listened to Rich Mullins remind us that it really is okay to be small.   It is okay to feel powerless and just because you feel the fear it doesn’t mean you have to embrace it.  We spoke about value and love and all that God feels for us.   I’ll admit it, today was a little harder than others but I was able to acknowledge the fear and then step away into hope and back to love.

We all face giants from time to time.   We are all small sometimes.   We cower….so weak and the problem loams so big.   Load your slingshot friend, take courage and don’t give up now….God’s got this.

I'm gonna tell you a story
That you've probably heard
And at the risk of being redundant
I'm gonna tell you something
That may not thrill you
But it could not hurt
Well it comes out of the sacred
Writing of the Israelites
It's the story of David
And how he slew Goliath
Well now the king of his country
He didn't trust in him much
And so to David's alarm
He tried to fit him in his armor
But the thing was so heavy
David couldn't stand up
So he left it by the river
Where he gathered five smooth stones
I guess it's safe to say he figured
He wasn't going out alone
He's not alone
What trouble are giants
What's wrong with being small
The bigger they come
You know the harder they fall
When you're fighting for Zion
And you're on the Lord's side
Well I think you're gonna find
They ain't no trouble at all

No trouble at all
No trouble at all
No trouble
Now there must have been some laughter
Among the Philistines
At the sight of this scrawny little shepherd
Coming out to meet the record-breaking mammoth of a man
Who was a killing machine
But it didn't shake David
'Cause he was smart enough to know
It's more the size of who you put your faith in
Than the size of your foe

What Trouble are Giants- Rich Mullins

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