Monday, February 25, 2013

What I want to say…

is that I am doing great.  I want to say that things are moving smoothly and I am an amazing mother who never gets tired, never gets discouraged and most importantly never speaks a single harsh word.  I want to tell you the the radishes are doing great and that God is working miracles every day.  I want to tell you that their behaviors are becoming less bizarre and that the littlest is not screaming bloody murder from his room right now.  

But none of it is true. 

Things are difficult and slow.  Time moves differently in fosterland and nothing is predictable.  We expect to hear from our new adoption worker soon (which means we are officially on our way to becoming a forever family) but we also expect that things could change at the drop of a hat.  Not likely, but still….possible.

I am not so amazing.   I am tired, irritable and really discouraged.   I fail daily but I am learning to not be so hard on myself.  The parenting rules have changed with these little guys and at least for right now, the work far outweighs the reward.  I am spit on, screamed at and peed on routinely and in response to my efforts to remain loving and kind I receive dirty looks or worse.   

Yeah, and while they are doing better, they are not doing great.   Their behaviors at times are quite bizarre and very exhausting.  They push me to the very limit and often the best I can hope for is that they will actually stay in bed for their nap long enough for me to sit still in peace for just a moment!!    But…. at least the little one has finally stopped screaming bloody murder at me and it only took 20 minutes this time.

Why am I telling you all of this?   Well, because it is therapeutic.  For some reason I have yet to understand, I just feel better having it all before me in black and white in all of it’s ugliness.   There are so many things I wish I would have known going into this.  It wouldn’t have changed our minds (especially since we went into this with the intention of adopting NOT doing foster care) but I feel like I wasted a lot of time confused by the trauma these children were inflicting on us and feeling unable to gain control back in my own home.  In the end I would do it all again and we intend to keep our license open for now, but I really hope in some small way that my poorly written words can keep someone else from being blindsided…..that somehow what my support team of moms and I have learned will make someone else’s path just a bit easier and open the door to healing for these children just a little faster.

I guess what I really want to say is that it’s hard and I am tired but in the middle of the struggle there is a glimpse of glory….a small reminder that the peanuts may not thank me but I am not really doing it for them anyway.

Do not grow weary in doing good for in due time you shall reap if you do not lose heart….Galations 6:9

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