Thursday, February 28, 2013

Tomorrow at 1 pm or…..I am so sick of pee

I should apologize…you never get to hear about the glory days.  The days of sunshine and roses when no one pees all over my house or screams.  The days of finished school and a clean house.   I don’t talk about them much here but they do happen occasionally.   In fact sometimes they come in streaks and for a bit all seems well.

Today is not one of those days.   Today I want to cry buckets Today I have cried buckets. I don’t cry often but today it’s just all too much.  The peeing the screaming the demanding the spitting.   I miss my old life today.  I miss having friends and being able to plan a lunch date without everything going to hell in a hand basket before I walk out the flipping door.

Life for trauma mamas….this pretty well sums it up

I miss not having to wash the daily load of pee soaked clothing.   I miss not having to listen to a four old scream and cry b/c I won’t let him go into the bathroom again after just having been in the 15 minutes ago (literally) because a. he drinks out of the toilet if not supervised or worse and b. I just want to finish the paragraph I am reading out loud for school.  (and yes, we’ve been to the doctor this is not a physical problem).  You know what else I miss?   Listening to you explain away their behaviors with “that’s just kids for you” and having it be true.   Fear is a horrible thing that makes these precious souls act out in ways that exhausts me and leaves me begging for more grace to reassure them one more time with words and actions:  I’m not going to leave you.  

Which brings me to what is happening tomorrow afternoon.   We have been assigned an adoption worker and our first meeting is tomorrow.   We are further along on making good on our promise to them.   We are excited to move on to permanency and hopefully healing but today I am a little tired and a little lonely (okay in the interest of full disclosure: a lot tired and a lot lonely).  I worry if I have asked too much of the bios, if I have asked too much of myself.   Please don’t judge me for putting it all here in black and white.  Keeping it quiet doesn’t make it any less true, it just covers normal human emotions in shame.   Getting it out makes it easier to do what must be done and robs the raw emotions of their power.  If you are of the praying sort….send some our way for the process to move quickly.   These littles really need to hear me say “You are home. forever”

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