Tomorrow at 1 pm or…..I am so sick of pee

I should apologize…you never get to hear about the glory days.  The days of sunshine and roses when no one pees all over my house or screams.  The days of finished school and a clean house.   I don’t talk about them much here but they do happen occasionally.   In fact sometimes they come in streaks and for a bit all seems well.

Today is not one of those days.   Today I want to cry buckets Today I have cried buckets. I don’t cry often but today it’s just all too much.  The peeing the screaming the demanding the spitting.   I miss my old life today.  I miss having friends and being able to plan a lunch date without everything going to hell in a hand basket before I walk out the flipping door.

Life for trauma mamas….this pretty well sums it up

I miss not having to wash the daily load of pee soaked clothing.   I miss not having to listen to a four old scream and cry b/c I won’t let him go into the bathroom again after just having been in the 15 minutes ago (literally) because a. he drinks out of the toilet if not supervised or worse and b. I just want to finish the paragraph I am reading out loud for school.  (and yes, we’ve been to the doctor this is not a physical problem).  You know what else I miss?   Listening to you explain away their behaviors with “that’s just kids for you” and having it be true.   Fear is a horrible thing that makes these precious souls act out in ways that exhausts me and leaves me begging for more grace to reassure them one more time with words and actions:  I’m not going to leave you.  

Which brings me to what is happening tomorrow afternoon.   We have been assigned an adoption worker and our first meeting is tomorrow.   We are further along on making good on our promise to them.   We are excited to move on to permanency and hopefully healing but today I am a little tired and a little lonely (okay in the interest of full disclosure: a lot tired and a lot lonely).  I worry if I have asked too much of the bios, if I have asked too much of myself.   Please don’t judge me for putting it all here in black and white.  Keeping it quiet doesn’t make it any less true, it just covers normal human emotions in shame.   Getting it out makes it easier to do what must be done and robs the raw emotions of their power.  If you are of the praying sort….send some our way for the process to move quickly.   These littles really need to hear me say “You are home. forever”

Sheep!!

They are here!  All the way from Minnesota, IDF ewes with the B gene

And a ram to allow us to broaden our gene pool!

What I want to say…

is that I am doing great.  I want to say that things are moving smoothly and I am an amazing mother who never gets tired, never gets discouraged and most importantly never speaks a single harsh word.  I want to tell you the the radishes are doing great and that God is working miracles every day.  I want to tell you that their behaviors are becoming less bizarre and that the littlest is not screaming bloody murder from his room right now.  

But none of it is true. 

Things are difficult and slow.  Time moves differently in fosterland and nothing is predictable.  We expect to hear from our new adoption worker soon (which means we are officially on our way to becoming a forever family) but we also expect that things could change at the drop of a hat.  Not likely, but still….possible.

I am not so amazing.   I am tired, irritable and really discouraged.   I fail daily but I am learning to not be so hard on myself.  The parenting rules have changed with these little guys and at least for right now, the work far outweighs the reward.  I am spit on, screamed at and peed on routinely and in response to my efforts to remain loving and kind I receive dirty looks or worse.   

Yeah, and while they are doing better, they are not doing great.   Their behaviors at times are quite bizarre and very exhausting.  They push me to the very limit and often the best I can hope for is that they will actually stay in bed for their nap long enough for me to sit still in peace for just a moment!!    But…. at least the little one has finally stopped screaming bloody murder at me and it only took 20 minutes this time.

Why am I telling you all of this?   Well, because it is therapeutic.  For some reason I have yet to understand, I just feel better having it all before me in black and white in all of it’s ugliness.   There are so many things I wish I would have known going into this.  It wouldn’t have changed our minds (especially since we went into this with the intention of adopting NOT doing foster care) but I feel like I wasted a lot of time confused by the trauma these children were inflicting on us and feeling unable to gain control back in my own home.  In the end I would do it all again and we intend to keep our license open for now, but I really hope in some small way that my poorly written words can keep someone else from being blindsided…..that somehow what my support team of moms and I have learned will make someone else’s path just a bit easier and open the door to healing for these children just a little faster.

I guess what I really want to say is that it’s hard and I am tired but in the middle of the struggle there is a glimpse of glory….a small reminder that the peanuts may not thank me but I am not really doing it for them anyway.

Do not grow weary in doing good for in due time you shall reap if you do not lose heart….Galations 6:9

When God Takes What You Can Not Bear To Lose…

I was recently working on one of the Bible studies I am doing (Believing God by Beth Moore) and the author discussed the miracles of healing that have occurred in people she knows. Discussion like this always open the old wound....why does God say no to some and yes to others....or as I have felt...why does He say no to me?
I remember vividly standing in the room with our dear family as our oldest son lay dying. I remember looking at him and thinking "God, you could heal him!" That day God said no. He said no to the dreams we had for that beautiful boy. He said no to my prayer "Lord the dead can't praise You!" He chose to take what we could not bear to lose.
But you see, God knows something that we have a difficult time understanding. Especially when we are hurting. God knows the best thing He can give us is Himself. God knew when He took my son and broke my heart and the heart of my children and husband that He would give us something that we may not have gained any other way. Those who have everything pulled out from under them and who see God through the eyes of searing pain are those who see God. It is much like Job said "My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You." (chapter 42 v 5)
When God takes what you can not bear to lose......He gives you Himself and He bears it for you.

Held (written from memory, sung by Natalie Grant)
Two months is too little, they let go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence would
take a child from his mother while she prays
is apalling
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved
from nightmares?
This is what it means
to be held
How it feels when the sacred it torn from your life
and you survive
This is what it is
to be loved and to know
that the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
You want to taste it let the hatred numb the sorrow
The wise hand opens slowly
to lillies of the valley and
tomorrow
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior?

(Orignally posted in 2009)

Broken…

I can hear him say it now….

Circumstances don’t create who you are….they REVEAL who you are.

And I must admit it.  He’s right.  And to be painfully honest…I don’t like what my circumstances are revealing.  This dying to self is ugly business.   I want to be so much more than I am.   I mean well…but I fail.daily.

So each day I try again and each day I fail again but I don’t lose hope.  God is faithful to remind me….even broken vessels are useful to Him.

Psalm 51:17….a broken and contrite heart oh Lord, you will not despise.

A quiet place….

A dear friend sent me this today:

Life is truly good when we come to the realization that through all the giving, sharing and selflessness we demonstrate in our love for others and in our endeavors to improve the human condition, work, and home--that we need to find a quiet place for our body, mind and soul that refreshes us, cleanses us, energies us, and restores our soul.

He had no clue how much I needed to be reminded of that today!   May you find a quiet place….In the midst of all the hustle and bustle…slow down, breathe deep and be blessed.

The weather outside is frightful…

But inside the barn no one is complainin’!

Meanwhile, out in the barn….

Twila claims that Bobbi’s little ram gives kisses.   I begin to lecture her about safety out in the barn but she begs to show me.  I agree when I see that she is safely behind the gate so there is no risk of a butt to the head…

And he really does come out for a kiss (well actually a bit of a nibble but super cute either way)

The little fosters help out with the duties in the barn too but because of privacy we won’t post their pictures or names.  They are so darling helping mom carry hay!

David and Jed have found the warmest spot in the barn! (Jed is milking from the other side!)

Still no poo...

Many months ago I posted about the great no shampoo experiment and thought I would update. Still no poo here or conditioner. Mostly I use baking soda, sometimes I use an organic detergent free shampoo like substance (Botanique- no SLS etc.) but I have found apple cider vinegar to be simply amazing for my curly misbehaved hair so I never change that up...I always rinse with vinegar. Sorry for the bad pics...I'm not so good at the camera self portrait thing.