Thursday, December 6, 2012

Tying knots….

It might be hope…..

Sometimes you just find you have reached the end of your rope.  You tie a knot and hang on because that is all you know to do.  

I wish had lots of flowery language and words of wisdom to make all the angst that I am feeling seem beautiful but the truth is life isn’t pretty at the end of the rope.  It is blood and sweat and tears.  Lots of tears.  It seems that the harp should play and God should descend while angels sing of my bravery and sacrifice.  But here I am…..swinging at the end of the rope….the end of myself. 

Life is not horrible, it is just that I am not good at waiting and wondering.  I am not so great at the trust part.   I would like a plan and a promise and I would like it NOW.  And my thoughts and fears are so loud I can’t hear God whisper……”trust me”  And when I get really honest (which tends to happen when you’re swinging in the air) I have to admit that (dare I say it?) I don’t want to trust.  I want to be in control.  I’d like to call the shots here, thank you very much!

And when I am finally quiet enough, honest enough, tired enough to listen; God speaks.   I realize He hasn’t been ignoring me all this time…..He’s been waiting.  Waiting to gently remind me that doing things on my own is what got me at the end of this rope in the first place.

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