Snot and pee and all things icky….

I have a little one SCREAMING in his room.

I’VE GOT SNOT IN MY NOSE!!  MOMMY!!  MOMMY!!! I’VE GOT SNOT IN MY NOSE!!

I am wondering if he will lose his voice.  I am wondering if I will lose my mind.   We have been tantruming daily.   (not sure if that is a word or if it is if that is how you spell it.)

I know, I know….I knew what I was getting into…these little ones are traumatized…they have been through so much…blahblahblahblah…

Yes, indeed I know all of that.  I did know what I was getting into.  These little ones are traumatized and they have been through so much.   And I am completely committed and determined to help them heal but just for a moment, just for right now…..

IamalittletiredandallthiseverydayscreamingreallysucksandsometimesIwishIhada

quiteplacetogotoandnothearthescreamingandthepeeeverywhereandthesnot,

seriouslysnotistheworstandifyouarescreamingIMDONECRYINGyouprobablyare.not.

You know they say (who are THEY anyway??) that when you break a bone the place that has been broken becomes stronger*.  I think that might be true but have you ever broken a bone?  It flippin hurts.   This process hurts.  Not just them but me, my kids, my husband but we have our moments of strength.  There are those times when we sit in midst of the screamingpeesnotandickythings and feel almost normal. 

Okay, I feel a bit better.  Just saying that somehow helps me to put the smile back on my face.  Anyone want another cup of coffee?  

Did I mention we don’t feel good and we are missing church

AGAIN?**  

 

*…so according to the NY Times this likely isn’t true but it makes for a nice thought so we’ll go with it.  I just want to point out that THEY are wrong a lot.

**…I know the blog whining is getting old. sorry, it really is theraputic.  Somehow saying it to the internet makes me feel better.

And so this is Christmas…

and what have you done? another year over…a new one just begun.  have a very merry christmas and a happy new year. I hope it’s a good one without any fear….

I really want to be done with the melodrama.  I promise I do…every post lately has been melodrama.   But…I also want to be real and the truth is..

I’m feeling really melodramatic lately…

I know it’s the season to be jolly but my niece just brought home her dying son for one more christmas and (not to minimize her very real, very tragic pain) I am feeling like the sky is falling over here.  So while there is still joy in the journey, jolly there is.not.

Sometimes the going gets tough.  You keep going.   You repeat yourself a million times and then once more.  AND SMILE..for goodness sake don’t forget to smile!  And it all seems like it’s going to last forever (or in my niece’s case will not last long enough) and sometimes you wonder: where is God in all of this….not in a “why me?” kind of way more in a “no really, where are You? I am a little confused…” kind of way.

We get tired and cranky and lonely.  And that’s okay. You try to explain but no one really gets it any way (well, the ones that have been there do…)  Platitudes and pacifiers don’t help and if one.more.thing.goes.wrong.I.just.might.cuss. ::Gasp::

Really….you’ll get through this. I’ll get through this. 

Sometimes life just don’t make sense at all…

In times like these I remember John in a jail cell…

Are You the one? Or do we look for another?

I notice Jesus didn’t say “don’t worry!  everything will be fine!  I will be there in just a minute!”   Nope.  This is what He said:

"Go and tell John the things you have seen and heard: that the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me."

Strangely that gives me comfort.  In a way I can’t really articulate….I think I just to be reminded that He really did call me to this.  That in the end it does matter…..to Him.

For Sale….

Not loving the whole do it by hand thing so passing these on
Ashford Mini Hand Carders $45.00 plus shipping (new price $65.00 plus shipping)

Louet Double Row Tine Mini Combs $100.00 plus shipping (new price $155.00 plus shipping)

If interested you can reach me at countingsheepfarm[@]yahoo.com

Cormo Fleeces….

Here are a few of the Cormo fleeces I have left.   These unfortunately are the ones who slipped there coat so there is a bit of vegetable matter in them…

Handprints….

It’s that time of year you know…the time for sentimental feelings, for snow, for christmas trees…the time when it’s hurts the most when things are wrong.

My niece and her husband are the in hospital with their 4 year old son.   They are doing handprints.   Posted pictures on facebook, comments about how precious those handprints are….

Handprints are for memories….my heart whispers

Handprints are for dying boys, for the ones you can’t take home and this world is not a safe place.

4 year old boys shouldn’t be this sick…mommas shouldn’t have to pray that they just get well enough to take home one more time.   17 year old boys shouldn’t die and it’s Christmas time again….and the wounds are raw and bleeding.

I still remember the nurse coming in to do handprints.  She pressed his hands down, hands that wouldn’t work anymore no matter how much we prayed.  Hands of a man and still of a child.   And we carried the handprints home in a box and they put his body in a box and we were left without words and without a son, left with the pain so heavy that it bowed us low.

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? Ps 56:8

He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken  Is 25:8

If you are in the area, there is a benefit for my niece’s family….

Why in the world are you doing this???

By this I mean older child adoption and foster care and it’s a good question.  In fact while sitting on the phone with a fellow soldier (my kiddo’s former foster mom…) we were asking ourselves that very question.   Why are we doing this again?

I will tell you this:

we don’t do it for money …we frequently work overtime and we are always on call.  No… you can’t pay us enough for all the work we do.

we don’t do it for praise or for a thank you.  There isn’t any coming.  In fact we are often scrutinized by well meaning adults who feel it is their duty to inform us how exactly they would handle the situation with “cute beyond words little Johnny”.  And I won’t tell what “cute beyond words little Johnny” says but here’s a hint: it isn’t thank you.

we don’t do it because we want more kids….have you seen the sitcom Eight is Enough?  Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

The truth is the work is hard and exhausting and there are days when we wonder why we do this ourselves.  We know the risks (yes we really do, we have heard the horror stories.  We understand it can go horribly wrong and that all the love and help we can give may not be enough.)

But, if you and I were chatting over a cup of coffee and you asked me this I would tell you….

we do it for hope…we do it for the ones who might make it.  We do it for dreams and for futures…

we do it because we are soldiers….we fight for them because they can’t do it for themselves and because we are afraid no one else will…

we do it because we are compelled….honestly we have no choice.  We think of giving up but we can’t…God has burned into our hearts the need to do this thing, to become more than we were before so they can become all they were meant to be.

And if you and I were chatting over a cup of coffee (we really ought to do that sometime) I would quietly ask you if you know someone like me, a fellow soldier.   If you do…take the time to understand.  Educate yourself if you can.  These precious, precious children often come in to our homes much like a wounded animal and like a wounded animal they snap at the ones who are desperately trying to help.  We really do have a heart for these little ones but we are not able to parent them in the same way we would for non-traumatized kiddos.  You may watch us and think we are over controlling or tough but to a child who has not been cared for or worse, abused…kindness is frightening.  If I am too kind I appear weak and if I am weak they feel they must gain control.   Often they do not feel empathy and do not react appropriately when they encounter it.  It is hard to understand or even fathom but they respond best to strength and clear (even seemingly controlling) expectations.  We must protect them and those they come in contact with and it is exhausting.  Please be patient while we help them heal.

Contest!

There is a contest over at the Counting Sheep Farm group in Ravelry….check it out for your chance to win a $15.00 Gift Certificate!

Tying knots….

It might be hope…..

Sometimes you just find you have reached the end of your rope.  You tie a knot and hang on because that is all you know to do.  

I wish had lots of flowery language and words of wisdom to make all the angst that I am feeling seem beautiful but the truth is life isn’t pretty at the end of the rope.  It is blood and sweat and tears.  Lots of tears.  It seems that the harp should play and God should descend while angels sing of my bravery and sacrifice.  But here I am…..swinging at the end of the rope….the end of myself. 

Life is not horrible, it is just that I am not good at waiting and wondering.  I am not so great at the trust part.   I would like a plan and a promise and I would like it NOW.  And my thoughts and fears are so loud I can’t hear God whisper……”trust me”  And when I get really honest (which tends to happen when you’re swinging in the air) I have to admit that (dare I say it?) I don’t want to trust.  I want to be in control.  I’d like to call the shots here, thank you very much!

And when I am finally quiet enough, honest enough, tired enough to listen; God speaks.   I realize He hasn’t been ignoring me all this time…..He’s been waiting.  Waiting to gently remind me that doing things on my own is what got me at the end of this rope in the first place.