Stampeding Swine…

Surely who have heard the story about Jesus and the man in the graveyard, right (well, the Bible uses the word tombs but you get my meaning)?   The guy was so chock full of demons that when Jesus asked for a name he was told “Legion for we are many.”!  The people of the town would chain him up and he would just break the chains and run amuck and day and night they could hearing him yelling and carrying on. 

Jesus being the awesome and loving God that is He sends the whole lot packing, setting the man completely free and at the demon’s request allows them to enter a herd of pigs that were having dinner nearby.   The pigs for whatever reason ran straight off a cliff and drown.  The towns people (who are probably already a nervous wreck at this point, I mean somebody howling in the mountains and tombs is enough to freak anyone out I would guess) discover the fate of the pigs, see the possessed man in his right mind and completely clothed they did what any right minded person would do (right?).  They asked Jesus, politely, to get out of dodge.  (loosely paraphrased from Mark 5:1-17)

I read this story to my kids yesterday and I was struck by it.   There are three things in particular that stood out to me.  1.  The people of the town were likely Jewish, and swine were considered unclean for the Jewish people.  2.  They cared more about what they had lost than what they had gained.  3.  I do the same thing.

How many times have I watched my pigs stampeding to their death and cried foul?   Yeah, Jesus I know you came to set me free but that swine there, I am a bit fond of him.  I feed that pig of pride myself and I am not quite ready to see him die so back off will ya?   Oh and anger?  Yeah I know he is a bit fat and ugly and he does eat a lot but I still depend on him just a bit.  Leave him alone for now.   In fact now that you mention it, I think I will handle this one for bit…thanks anyway.  So what if I wallow in the mud a bit…

Oh Lord, help me to just get out of the way and let these fat pigs die!

What goes up…

Must come down.  Sometimes it crashes and breaks into pieces and you left wondering where you went wrong.  How did I not see this coming…

I have been so excited to see Isaiah (not his legal name) attaching (or so I thought).   Today, however I realized that what I thought was signs of attachment was really more manipulation.  Sometimes we want something so badly, we see it when it isn’t there…

This morning he was particularly clingy and saccharine sweet.   “momma I love you…”   “momma hold me…”  but I as soon as I walk out of the room he turns into a tyrant and becomes very angry with anyone who gives him direction.  In his mind if mommy is on your side you can do whatever you want.

I am still recovering from my week of fevers and just felt a little tired and a little overwhelmed so I asked an older child to watch him play on his mat while I took a bath.   I had a lovely break planned complete with a lovely book and some lovely music.   I was halfway through the first chapter when I heard BAM!  BAM! BAM!    Slinging water every where I jumped from the tub into my robe and rushed out into the dining room to find my child slamming his head into the wall repeatedly and screaming bloody murder at everyone within earshot while in time out.    It was crystal clear what I had been seeing for awhile if only I cared to look:  If I can get mom on my side the rules do not apply, and any one in the house that I see as a threat to my desire to get what I want will pay.  He wasn’t attaching as well as I thought, he was trying another route to control me.

So I am revisiting attachment, well re-focusing actually.    I am reading blogs and thinking things over, again.   Not everything is a loss of course, we have been making progress, it is just that we have so far to go and I am so new to this with so much to learn.  We spent many months of their time with us weathering the storm of foster care, parenting visits, court dates that attachment fell by the wayside and honestly new relatives would pop up here and there so we were never quite sure if working on attachment would be good or harmful.

So we are redoubling our efforts.  If you see me out with my darlings (yes, they are very cute) please don’t offer them treats or ask them if they would like to sit with you or be held by you.  Right now we are going to focus on helping them attach to mom and dad and that means that they need to associate all good things as coming from us for a bit.   Please don’t tell them they are cute.   Cute is a tool to manipulate and they need to learn that their value goes beyond how they look.   Tell them they are precious if you would like, because they are and so much more but keep in mind that they don’t need your attention, they need mom and dads.  Please support us by stepping back and letting us cocoon our little ones while they grow their wings.

If you have been where we are (or if you are there) I would love to hear any suggestions or resources.    Let me know what worked for you…and what didn’t.   It always helps to know someone understands, someone else has been there.

Meanwhile, back at the barn….

 

These little guys are bottle lambs.   They are filthy buggers because they steal milk from whomever they can however they can!   

It’s been an interesting lambing season so far.   We have lost two lambs that just were not getting enough to eat.  We tried bottle feeding but they just didn’t seem to care for it and despite our best efforts they didn’t make it.  They were fine one minute, dead the next.   One more lamb down the next morning.   This one has been fine all along…until it wasn’t.   It is so discouraging when these things happen and it seems to come in spurts.  Either everybody is doing great or it’s one thing after another.   It easier when you can find cause….but so often you just can’t.

This morning we lost a ewe.   A new mom, another case of fine…then not.   She lambed two weeks ago and since she was pretty friendly she was easy to check.  No signs of trouble, it seemed.  So disappointing….

But, all in all there is a lot that is going well.   This little guy is a week old!   He is a pure IDF ram and will make a beautiful sire one day.

And Twila finally got her ewe lamb out of Pebbles to replace the bottle lamb, Mercy she lost a couple of years ago.

I have lost count of all the lambs on the ground….I am guessing 40 or so, a look through the records will tell us for sure.   For all the disappointments we did learn a lot (like how to inject a hypothermic lamb with low blood sugar, and I am a pretty good hand at stomach tubing now….we have even learned how to suture a ewe that is prolapsing) and we will be ready next time with our new information.   But you always lose a few I guess….and you will always second guess yourself.

At least the sun is out…

but I am hiding inside my head.  watching my thoughts spinning around.  thankful that for once no one is screaming.

we are falling into a routine.  it is good but still, I am uneasy.  the bios are comfortable with the change in life.  the radishes are settling it appears.  the outbursts are still daily but not all day.  it is good  but I wonder…

will they ever understand why they are here and not there?   will they look at us, our skin a direct contrast to theirs and know they belong?   do I smile enough, hug enough, love enough?  am I enough?  how do I bridge the gap between adopter and adoptee? 

today I feel a bit inept.  unable to take it all in…unable to process.  love is scary business and there are no easy answers.  and I feel a bit selfish…what if I risk it all and it all goes horribly wrong? 

may His grace cover my imperfections.   may His love heal their wounded hearts.  may I surrender to His will so that He can work His beauty in this mess.

Ain't Nothing Pretty Here....

Best I can tell I have been sick for three weeks now.  I started getting better and then wham! For the past 5 days I have been in bed with a fever.  No worries, the doc is calling in antibiotics but like I said...ain't nothing pretty here.

So the day before yesterday we had a ewe that is prolapsing.  Her best chance is for us to put in a few sutures so that she does not continue to push out her insides and risk infection.  Yeah, not pretty.  This is at best a 2 man job even when the ewe is well dosed with pain killers (which she was), one to hold the ewe still and one to put in the sutures.  I may or may not have ended up in the middle of the barn floor with my head between my knees trying not to pass out.  Nope, ain't nothing pretty here.

Then yesterday, oh yesterday takes the cake.  If I had any false beliefs that I was super mom they went up in smoke yesterday.   Much of the day was spent begging, bribing or threatening children in the hopes that I.could.just.sleep(!)  But, alas, sleep evaded me and the children acted like insane criminals children act when a parent need sleep and it is raining.  Finally, oh joy of joys it is nap time for someone other than me.  Boys are nestled in their bed and I can sleep.  Still not pretty but hey...we are on our way right?  Nope!  Just at that moment the case worker shows up for our surprise inspection.  No, please not today!!!  I sit down to chat (did I mention we just got a new case worker?).  I apologize for the state of the house (its pretty much trashed) and smile while we discuss the latest struggles.  I glance up from the conversation and I swear to you this is the truth:
Every bra and panty I own is smiling at me from living room (did I mention our new caseworker is a he?). Come on say it with me now.....Ain't nothing pretty here!

Just keepin' real folks.

Lots o'lambs...

Sorry for the horrid pictures. I am still pretty sick but needed to head out to the barn and check on things so I thought hey, a bid pic is better then none! Maybe...

Habits!

Good or bad, everyone has ‘em.   Often our habits determine our trajectory and the only way to overcome the bad habits is to replace them with good ones!

Links as promised:
My favorite stop for Charlotte Mason resources
Laying Down Rails